


LOL UR SO FUNNY but pls stfu

by lukais



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Internet Boyfriends, M/M, Skype!au, birthday fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2015-04-17
Packaged: 2018-03-23 08:30:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3761629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lukais/pseuds/lukais
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Internet boyfriends!au where Sehun is horny and Jongin is failing his classes and Soojung doesn't help at all</p>
            </blockquote>





	LOL UR SO FUNNY but pls stfu

**Author's Note:**

> Brazilian portuguese translation [here](https://socialspirit.com.br/fanfics/historia/fanfiction-exo-lol-ur-so-funny-but-pls-stfu-5816644)
> 
> This was a birthday fic for my awsome kinky zoadiac soulmate **ynys** , and is basically all of my sekai feels in one piece of irrelevant fanfiction (plus Soojung being my spirit animal).  
> Oh, be aware that there are A LOT of references to Mean Girls, and The Most Popular Girls in School and idk Kuroshitsuji is mentioned a lot and there is a sort of kind of quote from livejournal user **locketmin** 's Gore Hill.  
> You might stumble over some grammar mistakes, just know that (most of them) are completely intentional, okay?  
> Btw, the reason why Soojung is here is because I needed a female best friend and then there was that story where she made Sehun buy her food while she was on a diet and with that she became perfect for the role, so ta-da.  
> I also did some "art" for this verse, because, yeah, I kind of needed to so if you'd like to see it just come [here](http://i.imgur.com/UtN32xe.png)
> 
> That being told, eNJOY :3

THURSDAY, MARCH 17TH

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Sehun, are you there?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Indeed, I am.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Finally you showed up.

I’m having issues.

Serious issues.

And it’s All YOUR FAULT

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

WTF Jongin?

What issues what happened?

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I got bad grades at that programming exam I took last week.

I’m die.

My parents are going to kill me

aND  IT’S A L L YOU RF AULT

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

First:

HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN YOUR PROGRAMMING SKILLS ARE FLAWLESS

Second:

How the fuck is this my fault?

You’re the one who did the freaking test.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

YOU’RE THE ONE WHO PERSUADED ME INTO STUDYING VIA SKYPE

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Oh…

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

“Call me I’ll help you.”

AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

…

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

YOU ENDED UP NOT HELPING ME AT ALL

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

……….

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

At least not with programming.

Now I’m failing AND still not understanding the fucking subject thank you very much.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

But you did not argue when I suggested not studying.

If I remember it well you said.

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll do fine.”

“It’s not like my grade will be that bad.”

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

When did I ever say that??!!!11?????????

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Plus, you loved the cam sex.

You said that was the best idea I had since the day I asked you to be my bf.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

WLL I FUCKING TAKE IT BACK NOW

And it’s still your fault.

You,

As the responsible genious part of this relationship should be the one encouraging me to study.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I encourage you to study human biology.

More specifically my biology.

aka my dick.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

EW SEHUN

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

You love it though.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Nope.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

That’s not what you said last time.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Fuck you.

And I’m not talking to you anymore.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

You wish.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

AND IT’S STILL YOU’RE FAU L T

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 18TH

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Oh Sehun.

Oh Sehun I see your online thingy I know that you’re there.

ANSWER ME OR I’LL FIND MYSELF A SIDE BITCH

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

JEEZ CALM DOWN

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I’M FUCKING CALM

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Soojung is here.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Hello there my fellow pink haired Krystal.

How are you fairing?

Please tell me that you did not see my little freak out up there.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

hey dere! /krystal

how can I not see it? /krystal

you can bet that I saw it read it and loved it /krystal

sorry im not sorry /krystal

sehun was laughing like a maniac I had to find out what made him give up his so loved poker face /krystal

NO I WASN’T

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

HOW DARE YOU LAUGH AT ME OH????

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

LIES

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]]**

That’s it.

I’m looking for a side bitch.

Omeagle here I come.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

NO PLS STAY

DON’T GO

DON’T LEAVE ME

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

HASTA LA VISTA AMIGO

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Jongin

R u dere?

Soojung just left.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Thank god.

I was digging my own grave here.

The grave of shame.

And self-pity.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Did you find a side bitch?

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Still looking.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

U betta b not.

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Damn.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

What?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I really want to kiss you right now.

And hug you.

And feel you.

And fuck you to oblivion.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I was gonna say how cute and me too until a saw the last part.

But you know what?

I really want to kiss you and fuck you and wake up by your side and know that you’re here and you’re real.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Let’s meet up.

I’ll go there.

Or you can come here.

Soojung is dying to meet you.

She stalks your tumblr.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I want to meet you too.

Like

Rn

Krystal is kind of scary.

I like her.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

She likes you too.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Can I call you?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

It’s sort of late, I have to go to bed soon.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

It’s not gonna take that long.

I just want to see your face before sleeping.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Okay.

 

_Call from kaithegreatest received._

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Can you hear me?

I guess my mic broke.

God you have no idea of how kissable you are.

What?

Say it I’m not goona laugh at you, dumbass.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I want to have cam sex.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I’m glad we think the same way.

 

 

_Call ended [37 minutes and 51 seconds]._

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 19TH

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

GUESS WHO’S JUDGING THE CODING GAMES NEXT MONTH

THAT’S RIGHT

PAPI HERE

DADDY ME

YO

MOI

나

ME IN EVERY OTHER LANGUAGE OUT THERE

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

OMG YAS

FINALLY

U MADE IT

When did they tell you?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Just got the email.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

And please don’t ever call yourself “daddy” again.

It’s bizarre.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Yo I’m big daddy.

Come 2 meh.

Lemme buy you expensive shit.

And you can let me have a piece of your ass in exchange.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

nO

MY EYES

PLS TELL ME THAT YOU’RE DRUNK

OR HIGH

OR BOTH

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Maybe I’m drunk.

Just

Maaaaaybe

Not enough though.

I can still write properly.

LEMME GET MORE BOOZE

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Then you’re just a freak.

With sugar daddy complex.

I’m dumping you rn.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Oh what a softy.

Boo hoo hoo.

You can be my baby.

And scream.

Daddy.

Everytime.

I.

Make.

You.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

PLEASE

DO

NOT

CONTINUE

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Cum.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

JFC

MY FRIENDS JUST ARRIVED

I’M LEAVING NOW

BBL

BYE

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

LOL

Hope they see this.

But, no, not really.

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Baby, come back to daddy.

You’re taking too long.

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Where are yooOoOoOou

Are you with your side bitches?

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Fuck this I’m inviting Soojung over.

And we’re gonna have lots of fun.

w i t h o u t y o u

and your ass.

 

_audio message from kinghun_

PLAY - _“Hiiiiii Kai.Please don’t leave Sehun for a side bitch. I can’t write great fanfiction about you both if you dump him.”_

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

KRYSTAL YOUR VOICE IS SO CUTE PLS MARRY ME

You can be my main bitch.

Then you can write great fanfiction about us.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

can’t write straight smut though. /krystal

i live for the joy of yaoi /krystal

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Shame.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

sehun is not here rn btw

he left to buy us food

the perks of being a girl

and have an employed best friend LOL

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

LOL kay.

Let’s have deep talk then.

From boyfriend to pink haired best friend.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

wait a sec

i’m reading your chat history

**Sehun [kinghun]**

wow you guys masturbate a lot

**Sehun [kinghun]**

OMG

THIS IS AWESOME FANFIC MATERIAL

JESUS CHRIST

i’m gonna change your names to some anime ship and become a famous fic writer

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

OMG NO

DON’T DO DIS 2 MEH

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

U GONNA BE CIEL AND SEHUN ALOIS IDEC

I’M DOING IT

i’ll send you the link in a week

just

wait

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

You’re a monster.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

i have once been a ginger

i’m pink haired now but i still have no soul

i’m the devil

call me Lucifer

YAS SEHUN IS BACK WITH DA FOOD

brb

or not

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Soulless bastard.

Ur great though.

Send me your skype later.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

WTF IS SOOJUNG PLANNING TO DO

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

GR8 FANFICTION ABOUT US

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

SOMEONE TAME THIS QURL

Oh she said she sent you a friend request.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

PLS

Already talking to her lol.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Brace yourselves.

We’re turning into FF characters.

We're doomed.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

IKR

It was nice to meet you, Sehun.

Now, I'll go bury myself.

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 20TH

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Yo

Who’s Ciel?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Do you think I know?

Googling.

oH

He's the main character from that anime Soojung made me watch.

"Cieru"

He’s cute.

Even though he has a pentagram in his eye.

<http://38.media.tumblr.com/5dc74a08779b7e1764634ff0130f0b31/tumblr_mij8q4J6hy1rpc3eco1_500.gif>

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Ciel Phantomhive, Master of the Phantomhive family.

Blah blah

Oh

oH

He made a pact with a demon.

And was a sacrifice sheep.

I’ll be a cute 12 year old who seeks revenge with a demon’s help.

It isn’t that bad.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Kuroshitsuji is ok.

Soojung made me watch the third season with her when it was released.

There’s like, a shitload of innuendos.

But my mom liked it, so i guess it’s fine..

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

You mother watches anime?

LOL

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Not really.

Soojung showed her some random episodes when she came to visit last month.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Got it.

Idkw but I keep imagining your mother like Regina George’s mom.

LOL

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

SODIFUVHOSDIUFVOSIUDV THAT’S HER ROLE MODEL

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

All hype and stuff.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

“I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.”

Well she’s as cool as an almost 50 year old mother can be.

She’s nice though.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

My mom is like.

You know those rich as fuck soap opera women who does a lot of stuff all day long and act as if they have oh so much to do but in reality they do nothing that special?

That’s my mom.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I’m imagining her in those expensive dresses wearing pearls and drinking the 5PM tea.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

She’s not hype.

She’s classy.

SHE ACTUALLY DRINKS THE 5PM TEA

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I CAN’T BELIVE YOUR MOM TAKES THE 5PM TEA ISNT THIS BRITISH OR SMTH

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

IKR

MY MOM IS ACTUALLY TEXAN I MEAN WTF

However she only takes it on Wednesdays.

She has this club thing with her friends where they drink tea and eat fancy cookies and gossip about each other’s lives.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Why didn’t you tell me you grew up in a soap opera/Gossip Girl.

I feel betrayed.

This sounds great.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

You grew up in Mean Girls stfu.

You’re smarter gayer Regina George.

And omg watching my mom gossip with her friends is hilarious.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

“Who wore it better?”

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

“Uh 50 Shades of Grey” “So dirty” “I tried this new position with my husband yesterday.”

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

THEY ACTUALLY SAID THAT????

DOIUFHOSDUFVHSUDIFVHOSUIDV

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

YES

They keep talking about sex and dresses and stuff.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

What if they found out about cam sex?

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I really don’t wanna know LOL

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Wild masturbation plus lube plus loud moans plus dirty talk plus web cam plus your sexy bf watching you.

It’d be funny LOL

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Agreed.

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Hun...

Do you want to do it?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Just let me grab the lube.

 

MONDAY, MARCH 21TH

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I can’t stand uni anymore.

All of my professors hate me.

And I hate them all.

And I can’t go to a single party these days bcz I’m too busy studying and lerning how to properly judge TCG.

Life sucks.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

It seems like you forgot how high school felt like.

TCG?

Wat

Oh

The Coding Games.

Got it.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Yeah, you’re right.

High school was worse.

At least now I can get legally drunk when I feel like saying ‘fuck it’ to the world.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Everything has a bright side.

High school had house parties.

Uni has booze.

And harcore frat parties.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

You have a point there.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I always have a point.

When is Krystal coming again? I want to call you both.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Dunno.

She’s sort of dating??

I guess????

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

OMG REALLY????

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Yaz.

There was this party saturday.

And aparently she found a great fuck there, cause I called her and she had her after sex voice.

At 4 PM.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

wow…

Wait, she’s online.

_“masterjung said: WAT DID OH TELL YOU?”_

LOLOLOLOLOL

_“masterjung said: i wasn’t fucking him all day long, kay?_

_we stoped to eat some tacos.”_

KRYSTAL IS THE BEST HUMAN BEING EVER

What course is she taking anyways?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Design.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Oh, like those decorators?

Gr8 cause you need help.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

No, she’s taking web design.

HEY

What do you mean with “you need help”?

huh?

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Because your decoration sense sucks????

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

No it doesn’t.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

pls you have a porn shelf.

And a kindergarten pasta sculpture in your living room.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

WAHT

no I don’t.

But, yeah, I have a porn shelf.

It is full of your nudes.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

JFC SEHUN

Since when have you become such a perv?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Ever since I first saw your dick.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Fuck you.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Only if you do it too.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

hUUuuuNIEEeeeeeEEe

pls stawp

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

But only because you called me Hunnie.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Thank you.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

And I imagined you moaning it.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

…

bye Sehun.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

NOO

COME BACK

I WAS JOKING

PLEASE

 

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23TH

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Are you still mad at me?

I hope you’re not.

Because I’m coming to Jersey next month.

 

THURSDAY, MARCH 24TH

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

YOU WHAT

OMG

HOW

WHY SO SUDDEN

I WASN’T EVEN THAT MAD AT U

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Coding Games

in

Jersey

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

ooh

Slightly disapointed rn.

but still VERY HAPPY

You’re staying with me right?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I was counting with it.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Gr8

So you’re staying over.

And we’re sharing my bed.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Oh, the temptation.

Too inviting.

I’m afraid we’ll have to have wild sex every night.

Buy a new lube.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Yeah as if.

You’ll be sleeping on the couch if necessary.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

But my back...

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Idc about your back.

You perv.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

You’ll surrender once I start biting your earlobe.

Just wait.

And see.

Oh

Forgot to tell you.

I bought a new headset.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

FINALLY

 

_Call ended [1 hour 25 minutes and 6 seconds]._

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 26TH

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I HAVE A FRAT PARTY

I HAVE A FRAT PARTY

~drop the beat~

**Sehun [kinghun]**

EAT SLEEP RAVE REPEAT

Going out with Soojung tonight.

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Oooh

Where?

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Some underground club.

Like

Literally underground.

Not just undergroung meaning hipster.

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Wwooow

Nice

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Yup.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

And finally you’re doing something other than studying.

And getting drunk at 1 am.

And eating.

And masturbating.

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Yeah, maybe I’ll get some tonight.

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Don’t even thing about it.

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I can already sense all the booty there.

Indie booty.

With great music taste.

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Krystal said she’ll keep an eye on you.

HAHA SUCK IT

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Soojung is taking her boyfriend.

She’ll be too busy getting laid.

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Then maybe I myself will finally find a side bitch.

A bottom one that will accept and love all of my topness.

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Keep trying baby.

No one will be willing to let you top.

Only papi here.

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

QUIT THIS DADDY KINK THING

Ok, my ride arrived.

I’m going now.

Don’t fuck random strangers.

Love you ❤

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 27TH

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

haA aAAaaaAAangover

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Do you have any strangers on your bed?

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Only Soojung boyfriend.

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Did you fuck him?

**Sehun [kinghun]**

No.

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Did he fuck you?

**Sehun [kinghun]**

…………………………………………. No

He and the pink demon who claims to be my best friend were too busy spilling cum on my bed sheets to pay attention to my sexual needs.

I slept on the couch.

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

☆ then it’s fine ☆

**Sehun [kinghun]**

NO

IT IS NOT FINE

THEY DID INAPROPRIATE STUFF ON MY BED

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Boo fucking hoo

Stop beying a softy.

You’ll be doing inapropriate stuff on my kitchen floor very soon.

And it’s not like you never did something like that on someone else’s bed.

**Sehun [kinghun]**

But it’s different when it’s mY FREAKING BED.

And be aware that I will not forget this kitchen thing.

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

You get used to it.

And no, you wont.

Your memory sucks.

Btw, what is Krystal doing at your place?

I thought she had her own???

**Sehun [kinghun]**

She lives in the dorms.

And her roommate was there.

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Got it.

**Sehun [kinghun]**

brb

I need to buy painkillers.

 

_audio message from kinghun_

PLAY - _“Probably Soojung will pretend to be me when she wakes up so just get along with it and pretend that you believe her. Please, make her feel as unconfortable as I felt last night. Talk about your topness or whatever, she hates it.”_

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

CALL ME DADDY

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

You suck.

But okay LOL

aND NO JUST FUCKING DROP THIS DADDY KINK THING IS GETTING ANNOYING

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

You’re taking too long.

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

How do you manage to get pissed drunk whenever you go out?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

sehun is so dumb

he records an audio and thinks I won’t listen to it

so naïve

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

‘Sup Krystal.

Sehun is pissed bcz you deflowered his bed.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

that’s his problem not mine

he’s the one who decided to date the cute guy that live’s almost two hours away from him

not me

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I see you’re either

a. With a hangover headache

or

b. With a headache

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

or c) ashamed for sleeping with a guy who already has a girlfriend

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

WAT

EXPLAIN

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

long story short

we met, we fucked, we went on a date, we fucked (again) and he woke up with his girfriend calling him

in fact he just left

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Wait

But isn’t him the one you spent last weekend with?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

yup

he went on a fight with her and thought it would be fun to “sleep with the hot hot red head dancing like a maniac”

in his own words

that sonuvabitch

my hair is fucking pink

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

What a jerk.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

and now i’m feeling like shit

because the sex was really great and i was really hoping that i would get somewhere with him

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Listen to Marina, my fellow pink haired Krystal.

Tease them.

But never sleep with them.

Don’t give what they want right away.

Play the game.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

says the one who has “cam sex” in a daily basis

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

We only did it for the first time three weeks ago, okay?

We’re dating for almost a year.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

fine fine

just let me draw a heart on my cheek

**Sehun [kinghun]**

did it

call me Marina fucking Diamandis

i’m gonna live the How To Be a Heartbreaker song

  
  
_FILE SENT_

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Is this your drunk morning face?

Girl

I would go straight for you.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

rule number one

is that you gotta have fun

pls turn straight for me

pick the pink haired friend

MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE THIS TIME, MINHO

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Are you quoting fanfiction?

That one you made me read because “the plot is life”?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

yes i am

angsty gore-ish yaoi is the best type of yaoi

it is

simply

flawless

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I’m gonna take a risk and say that you recovered from your heartbreak

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

i was just feeling bad about myself

it wasn’t a heartbreak

yaoi references cured me

CARPE DIEM

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

qurl r u alright?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

yaz

brb

gonna take a shower and eat smth

**Sehun [kinghun]**

BACK

with grapes

and sandwiches

and coffee

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

SEHUN HAS FRUITS THERE?

HE ACTUALLY EATS REAL FOOD????

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

no

he only buys it for me

because i’m important

because i mattah

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Tell me why don’t you live with him again?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

dad doesn’t like the idea of his “baby girl” living with ler lifetime gay best friend

because he’s a boy

even if he likes other boys

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Parents…

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

yeah

it sucks

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Tell me about it.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

sehun arrived

lol he looks like sp9wrutb0w][rbwjrtpniwh´tn92j4tnwtnjw´ntwn9999

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

WTF LOLOLOL

Wait you’re calling?

ooookay

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

HOW DID SOOJUNG MANAGED TO CALL WHILE I WAS TAKING THE KEYBORD AWAY FROM HER

Wait a sec

Lemme grab the headset.

i called him because i have the yaoi magic on my side /krystal

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

You guys need Jesus LOL

 

_Call ended [2 hours 6 minutes 55 seconds]._

 

MONDAY, MARCH 28TH

  


**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Your online thingy appeared.

I know you’re there.

Wait

It disappeared.

Nope.

There it is again.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Hi Jong ❤

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Hello, Hunnie.

Are you feeling better today?

You looked like shit yesterday.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Yup.

Just tired.

I actually logged in just to say that I wont be able to be online this week.

I’m having my exams and stuff.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Oh

‘kay.

Hope your grades turn out to be better than mine.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Me too LOL

I’m going now.

See you soon.

Love you.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

C ya ❤

Love you too.

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 2ND

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

FREEEEDOOOOOOMMMM

I can feel the taste in my mouth.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

YES

YOU’RE BACK

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

AND I’M HERE TO STAY

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I missed you.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I missed you too.

But hey

This time next week I’ll be with you.

In your bed.

Or not.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

NEXT WEEK ALREADY?

OMG

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Yup, next week.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I HAVE TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

AND BUY FOOD

AND OTHER STUFF

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I hope you’re including condoms into ‘other stuff’.

Because I’ll be having you for every meal.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Why do I date you again?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Because I’m awesome.

And the coolest guy on earth.

And the only one willing to ///ocasionally/// let you top.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

THAT’S NOT TRUE

I’m a great seme, okay?

I used to top all the time before my last bf.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

“Seme”? You’re definitely talking too much with Soojung.

Yeah, and I’m actually Ashley Katchadourian

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

You should be in charge of snacks, why are you letting people in?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Because I fucking can

*flies into the sun*

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

WAHT IUDHFIU9EQ0RB0W

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

ANYWAYS

Are you changing your bed sheets?

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Uh, yes?

You know, I kind of praise cleaness.

Different from you.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

What? I change my bed sheets okay?

Just not frequently...

But thaT’S NOT THE POINT.

Are you buying new sheets?

I want to have the pleasure of taking someone’s virginity.

And since I can’t take yours nor your bed’s I want to take your sheet’s.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Dude

You have very serious issues.

But, yes, I’m buying new sheets.

Mine are kind of old anyways, they’re almost trash rn.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Buy those made of Egyptian cotton.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

nO?????????????????

Do you know how expesive those things are????

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Yes.

bUT PLEEEEEASE

PRETTY PLEASE

❤❤❤

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Nope.

And if you whine I’ll buy One Direction sheets.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Ew.

Fine.

I give up.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Thank you very much.

How long are you staying, btw?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I arrive friday because TCG starts Saturday.

And then I’ll leave next Sunday.

So I’ll be staying for the whole week.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

OuO

*u*

❤❤❤❤

I’m so skipping classes and staying with you.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Please, don’t.

I don’t want you to fail because of me.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I’m already failing because of you.

Have you forgotten?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

……………………..

No………

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Perfect.

Because I’ll bring this up for the rest of your life.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I think I can handle.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

You better.

btw

Krystal sent me the fanfiction she wrote.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

jfc

What happened?

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Lots of sex.

Breathplay.

Knotting.

I was an Omega and you an Alpha.

The only thing that really has anything to do with us is that she took our convos and turned them into sexy dialogs.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Was it good?

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Weirdly

Yes.

She writes incredibly well.

I’m amazed.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

She just sent me the link.

Okay, I’ll read it.

Wish me luck.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

OTL

Good Luck.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

OMG WAHT IS DIS

“Harder!” Ciel screamed at the moment Alois inserted a third finger.

DIS IS 2 MUCH 4 MEH

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Ok, finished.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

And..?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

This is amazingly hot.

But weird.

I mean, I kept reading and finding bits and parts from our conversations and just nO.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

You get used to it.

Or not.

idk

She sent me a lot of fanfiction before the one she wrote so…

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I’m never reading something like this again.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

What about ///doing/// something like this?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Sorry, I can’t knot you.

But I can’t deny that I’d like it very much.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Just wait untill Friday.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

You’re so dead, kiddo.

 

MONDAY, APRIL 3RD

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Sehun, where are you?

You haven’t been online all day

TT.TT

 

TUESDAY, APRIL 4TH

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Are you planning on getting online anytime soon?

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Bitch, I’ll fucking punch you.

Sit that fat ass of yours on that fucking chair and talk to me

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5TH

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

SEHUN

YOU’RE ONLINE

DON’T FREAKING MOVE

DON’T

GO

ANYWHERE

**Sehun [kinghun]**

… okay?

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

UH?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Stu(dying).

And packing.

And helping Soojung with her project.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Good to hear that you help Krystal but not your own boyfriend.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

She’s not as much as a tease as you are.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

You’ll see how teasing I am when I’m punching you for letting me FAIL.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

sTOP BRINGING THIS UP

IT’S ALREADY BEEN 3 WEEKS OR WTVR

JUST STUDY HARDER IDK

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

NEVURRRRR

YOU SAID YOU COULD HANDLE IT

DEAL WITH YOUR WORDS

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

NOW HAVE ANGRY SEX

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

????????????

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

/krystal

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Why for fuck’s sake didn’t you tell me that Krystal is there?????????

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

because i like plotting with your fights /krystal

they all end in hot angry sex and you topping btw /krystal

but if i tell you i’m here you wont fight with sehun /krystal

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

See?

Krystal accepts my top!spirit

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Krystal writes anime fanfiction.

She sees everyone as a possible top.

not everyone /krystal

i know an uke when i see one

and kai is clearly the type that ocasionally tops /krystal

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

HA

SUCK IT

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

… Only if it’s your dick.

oh, look who’s adventurous tonight /krystal

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

No, thank you.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Just because of that you’ll be the first name on my burn book.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

You’re already in mine

“Oh Sehun: too gay to function”

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

At least I don’t have a wide set vagina like you.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

oH NO U DIDN’T

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

YES I DID

stop fighting through Mean Girls quotes /krystal

that’s not fetch /krystal

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Shut up, Gretchen!

Fetch will never be a thing!

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

excuse you

i’m glen coco /krystal

No she’s not.

I’m Regina, she’s Gretchen and you’re Cady.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Why can’t I be Janice?

She’s cooler

And she has a super lesbian crush on you.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Okay, so you’re Janice.

Then we can make out at my pool party.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I’ll dESTROY YOU, BITCH

We can’t make out.

You didn’t invite me to your pool party.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I’m inviting you rn.

ladies, i hate to interup this oh so manly conversation you’re having, but i’ll have to steal sehun now so he can buy me food /krystal

I promise to be back tomorrow.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

You better be.

Or else

Everyone will know that you’re a fugly slut

With a feet-smelling face.

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 6TH

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE COMING TOMORROW

*dances*

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

ME NEITHER

You’re picking me up, right?

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Of course.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I’ll be arriving at 9am or so.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Oookay

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

God, I’m shaking.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

I changed the bed sheets.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

EGYPTIAN COTTON?

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Do I look like I can afford fucking Egyptian Cotton?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Yes..?

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

They’re Pororo sheets.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

WAHT

Lemme see them.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Nope.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

PLSSSS OuO

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

No.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Show me the damn sheets , Kim.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Why do wanna see my bed sheets?

You’ll be sleeping on them for the whole week.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Because yes.

Show.

Me.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Ugh, fine.

 

_Call ended [2 hours 6 minutes and 43 seconds]._

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 7TH

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I’M HERE

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Where are you?????

I’m waiting for your bus for like

10 minutes.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Find me.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Are you seriously doing this?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Let’s play a game.

Whoever finds the the other first tops tonight.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Who said we’re doing it tonight?

Ugh, fine.

But for your concearn

I’m great at hide and seek.

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

Nice ass, btw.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

?

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

You look great in these jeans.

Please wear them all the time while I’m here.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

Where are you?

HOW CAN I NOT SEE YOU, OH SEHUN

 

**Sehun [kinghun]**

I hope you like the feeling of your back against the kitchen floor.

 

**Jongin [kaithegreatest]**

WHERE ARE YOU????

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

_“Hey there, hot stuff.”_


End file.
